I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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