he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
