awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
me + whiskey = a bad person
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
