Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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