I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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