i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
They took my balls.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
