Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
