girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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