24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
