I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
