new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
