I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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