My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
