I think scott just propositioned me for sex
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
