Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Sext me about skeletons
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
