I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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