May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
