Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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