Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
