dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
