She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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