When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
