Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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