You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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