were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
