I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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