I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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