I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
