dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
