Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
