we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
