I will die if light touches me.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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