so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
