Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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