I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
