More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
