every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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