We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How's work?
Spinning.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Randomize
