he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
