you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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