two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
