apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
