She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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