Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
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I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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