He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
