WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
