I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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