walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
