I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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