It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
