Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
