it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
