I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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