I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
a search helicopter?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
