She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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