don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
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