2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
