Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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