I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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