Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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